Author: Pearl L

for all you chronic pen spinners (like me!)
site of the hour: Pentix: The Art of Pen Spinning (Thanks, Jeff~!! :D)

BEING SICK BITES!!
I’m going back to sleep!! -SOB!!-

“laaast nite…. she saiiiid….”
ok, I didn’t see the strokes last night, but I saw a fun and lively up and coming band called common rotation. This is a band that my old roommate Marie really likes because she knows the lead singer of the band, Adam Busch, who happens to have a small recurring role in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” and was also in (remember this show?) “The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo.” I guess she met him at a Buffy party, exchanged emails, and have been meeting up at their shows ever since last fall.

This actors-starting-bands business is always a little bit shady (can we say “Dogstar”?), but I was completely surprised by how GOOD this band really was! This New York-based band shuttles back and forth from the east to west coasts, playing small shows for their fans back in NY and playing small shows for their growing fan base in and around LA. Oh yeah, and Adam works in LA, so he has to sort of be around.

To make a long story short, these guys have a really fun, bopping kind of sound and a crazy geek boy on crack sort of stage act. they’re hilarious on stage, and they play lively, kicking music and seem to be having a lot of fun doing it! the lead guitarist, Eric, is AMAZING. I swear, he could solo it out if he wanted — his guitar and vocal riffs soar — but his work with a band with such personality helps him stand out more in that huge crowd of LA wannabes. It’s really not easy to be a good band, but after so many years together (Adam, Eric, and their drummer) have been together since high school! Mike the bassist has only been with them for 7 months, but he seems to be having a good time too. =)

so yes! Jen, Marie and I talked to the guys from the band afterward! they were all so polite and friendly..and funny too!! I went into my “AAAH! I’m a groupie!” hyper thing.. and It hink I scared the guys a bit. 0_o. hehehehe it was quite fun. marie brought her camera, so I’ll try to wrangle some photos from her once she develops ’em. I also picked up the set list and got it autographed (heehee!). so groupie! so much fun! whee!

weather: very cold. I’m in my san francisco overcoat, gray scarf thrown around my neck and trying very very hard to keep warm. it’s really chilly in our apartment because I can’t seem to get our heater to work. I mean, I understand how thermostats work: you move the little thingie to the temperature you want, right? not that difficult!! but unlike what might come out of my mouth occasionally, no hot air emerges from the vents. BRR! It doesn’t help that we keep our windows open to help ventilate the place. I can deal with a little bit of stuffiness if the place weren’t so damn cold.. and if I weren’t such a wussy soCal girl, I’d be able to deal with it soooo much better. hehe. I can hear kipp’s voice now: “you don’t know cold! BOSTON is cold!” and I would agree wholeheartedly.

the nice thing about tonight is that it’s beautifully clear out. the stars shine unimpeded by presumptuous clouds, and the half-full moon casts a demure glow, contrasting on the glaring splashiness of the lights emerging from the city beneath. fluorescent as the lights that shine in westwood tonight might be, the moon seems to be tapping one on the shoulder, as if gently reminding one that “hello! I am here as well” with a sly wink. so yes, it is a nice night… it is a bit chilly to be out, but beautiful to be lookin’ up…

it is perhaps, too chilly for a girl afflicted with a slight illness – like me – to be out and about. but at this point, it’s a lot better for me to go out to a warm cafe out than stay in my really cold apartment. maybe it is time to get that space heater back from my old roommates. maybe it’s better that I finish moving out!! =P

anyway, enough about the night. don’t you hate it when you realize you set your alarm clock to the pm time instead of the am time? boy is that no good. I’ve missed classes for the past two days, and I was wondering how I slept through my alarm. I mean.. I’m a deep sleeper, but I can’t imagine sleeping through an HOUR of my terribly annoying alarm clock and not remembering grouchily slamming my hand down on it every 10 minutes. I at least figured that one out.

oh yes, and to make up for my blogging yesterday:
– when you get an oil change and they ask if you if you want your windows cleaned (it’s included!), just say no.
– bigger tables for dinner come in handy
– forgetting to invite one of your very best friends over for a dinner party is a no-no.
– lisa makes an AMAZING korean bbq!
– wayne owes me two crab dinners!! take that!!
– I scare people away from skydiving when I talk about it too much.
– same with paintball
– .. and I think with most things. hehe.

joyful note: cingular bill this month = 1x what my plan says I pay, and not 3x.
not so joyful note: writing many checks today to clear some debts while knowing that more people still owe ME lots of money. >_

AppleScript vs. iMac Thieves!

“if you’re going to act like a child, expect to be treated like a child.”

that’s how I’ve been feeling this weekend. what was wonderful was that I got to spend time with paul and wayne from aphio. both berkeley alumni, they’re at ucla now, paul because he’s back home in Los Angeles after graduating last year, and wayne because he’s down here for dental school. they’re both terrific fellas, and hanging out with them this weekend while in vegas (just for one night!) with some people made me feel like I was three years old and picking on my two older cousins. I have way too much fun running around acting like a small child.

now I wasn’t this bad when I was *actually* a small child. from all reports, I was a reasonably good kid. I got myself in trouble from time to time (I guess I was always .. mischievous? -scratches head-), but nothing too serious. as I got to high school, I became uber-ambitious, striving to head up every struggling organization and turn it around, thinking that in some small way, I could make a difference. I felt responsible to myself, to my parents, to the world to get out and do something.

nowadays, I’ve taken the other extreme. I take everything a lot less seriously — no longer is it, “through the internet, I can change the world! (refer to sophomore year philosophy); it’s more “hey, I can find some really cool deals on cds online! i’m *much* less responsible than I used to be: I was flaky in the past, but I have moments now when I look at myself and think, “man, I’m out of control!”

a lot of it stems from a bit of a lack in direction. since the middle of sophomore year, I’ve been looking for a new focus in my life, something new that inspires me to push forward, and I’ve been hard-pressed to find something that I can seriously take to heart and run with. i don’t feel any particular obligation to any goals, and i find that I’ve made few friends I truly trust, respect, and feel “safe” around. i feel like.. at the moment, i’m fairly unhappy with myself and the person I am. There’s a lot about myself i’m looking to change…

I think I’m still very afraid of failing. I feel like through all the things in the past, ridiculous things have gotten in my way, things that defy logic and sensibilities, and things that can’t be explained unless you’re going through them yourself. every dream i’ve had, every ambition i’ve pursued has simply had roadblocks of the most absurd kind thrown in its way. and it’s something I don’t understand. I was very athletic in high school, and I wanted to do all sorts of sports, but I wasn’t able to because my parents were worried about whether they could support me financially through some of the sports (we were financially in not so good straits for quite a while), they didn’t see the point in a girl needing to run so much (cross country, track), they didn’t like the people on the team (badminton had too many asians!). And when my family could finally afford to support me through a sport, they chose tennis for me.. even though by then I’d said I had no time to learn a new sport. and so forth. my parents were going through very rough times in their lives, and it was hard for our family to make it through… yet even knowing all of this and knowing things are a million times better now, I still doubt my parents more than I should. their old crazy logic keeps me from the unconditional trust and faith I want to have in them.

oh dear. is this a victim mentality? wtf.

so what if I had to deal with a roommate/friend on this side of crazy during the year I dealt with them? so what if I had to deal with a super-political/backstabbing work environment in college? doesn’t everyone have their challenges? why does it feel like I ran into mine and ended up just getting knocked off course? once again, what *am* I whining about??

the truth is, I know better now. I know that I took on my job at the daily bruin when I was far too young, too naive, as were the people who were leading the department with me. I know now how to be a better leader, I know better how to use my ability to motivate and inspire people, I know better now how to delegate tasks, how to assume authority and keep true to the goals I set and not let naysayers get in the way. i’m not so naive anymore. although I feel naive and stupid every day I breathe air, i know i’m still learning…

I think about the things that happened to me in the past. I go back and reevaluate my actions, wonder what I could have done better. I look back and think of what I could have done better had I known what I know now. I get tired of doubting myself. I get tired of feeling weak and ineffective. I get tired of feeling not respected for the abilities I have, being underestimated for what I can achieve. despite whatever challenges, I know better now, I can waver and worry and whine but I don’t stay that way. more and more, I get tired of looking at the past — it’s the same ugly picture, and it won’t change. There’s nothing I can do but look forward. there’s a resignation to this truth I have — what’s weighed me down isn’t completely free from me yet, but with each purging, I look forward with brighter eyes than each time before. I don’t know what to do about my family, but it doesn’t really matter now. it’s my life to live, after all, and my parents can only offer so much support now. I don’t know what to do about my friends here at UCLA, but each day, the past grows more and more distant, and I find the cowering recesses of my heart slowly open up again. I don’t know what I will do yet about my future, but each day, little by little, I allow myself once again to dream…

my ex-boyfriend jeff once said that I inspired him to believe that people can grow and change, and that we are dynamic. I can grow and change. I am dynamic. being a person is so much more complicated, challenging, daunting, and taxing than I had ever imagined. no, I’m not a child anymore, and maybe it is time for me to stop my silliness and get with the program. One day, despite my fears of this daunting task of personhood, i will learn, and I will dream on, dream out loud, and do it with the wisdom, good sense, and toleration I lacked when I was younger. and because of my experiences, the next time out, I will succeed.

joy of the day: man, lots of little joys, but for some crappy reason, today was kinda cruddy.

joy #1: ryan adams – gold.
no, this is not BRYAN adams, although that guy’s pretty cool too. spiffy former lead singer of Whiskeytown out with his second solo album. it’s good shiet.

joy #2: running into eddie from em|db. (daily bruin electronic media.)
ran into each other on the lot 32 shuttle. what a spiffy guy! he’s an assistant editor for viewpoint now; he’s moved on from his EM days. but lucky for us, a lot of the awesome folks in his amazingly talented fall ’99 intern class are still around. avishai shraga created uclaprofessors and is now in charge of bruinwalk, mike ouyang is the EM director, etcetc. -sniffle!- it makes me so proud!

joy #3: sitting down and having lunch with thomas, just like the good old days in the summer of ’99.
very rare, very awesome to get a chance to talk to thomas and listen to his thoughts and ideas about the way the world works pour out in such an intriguing manner. man, I missed talking to him like this! it was good to talk to him about ideas and events and people, but not have to plow through a ton of drama. fah-sheeezie!

ok, so there were a lot of other highlights too, but these were the three that I can think of off the top of my head. I saw a lot of people I knew from back in the day today.. kinda neat. I have roots here!

bummer of the day: it’s crispy’s birthday today, and I barely saw him. no darned good.