Lately, I’ve been posting a lot more on Twitter than Vox or any of my usual blogs. There’s good and bad to this. On one hand, it’s a lot easier to come up with ~140 characters of updates than it is to commit to a long post. On the other, there’s really only so much you can cram into a 140 character-count post, and learning how to speak in clipped English isn’t doing wonders for my writing skillz.

So. It’s about 3am, and for whatever reason, instead of sleeping off my lingering cold, I’m writing. Hooray.

I talked to Jerimy for a total of about 5 minutes today, in short bursts throughout the day as he had a moment or I had a moment. We talked about insurance, and how I would have to find my own insurance soon. It was a pretty calm back and forth – I can’t really call it a conversation – and there was no blowing up, no tears.

There was no drama because we’re way past that. We’re not even close enough to where I could possibly express those kinds of feelings to him anymore. My relationship with him feels like a distant, dull memory, and yet he still manages to make me feel like crap in these brief interactions. I constantly feel like I’m not getting what I want out of relationship, although historically, this is par for the course and I should be used to this by now. I feel like I don’t know how to get what I want. And worst of all, I feel like even if I did, he would purposely try to deny me those things, even though we’re (theoretically) nearing the end of this relationship and it’s not all that much to ask for.

So it’s more of the same. Which begs the question: How did I spend so much of my life with someone who’s made me this unhappy?

Corollary question: why do I continue to gravitate toward people who make me unhappy?

It seems like such a simple desire for a person to want to be happy – it’s even written into the Declaration of Independence. Why does it end up being so complicated?

Possible answers:

1. I have a tendency to make a lot of concessions to other parties because it makes me happy to make other people happy. This sometimes leads to me mistaking “I can put up with this because they’re happy” with “This is what I want to make me happy.” This is bad.

2. I don’t communicate my needs effectively to other people. I don’t tell people, “this isn’t really okay with me” and I kind of let people do their thing, to a certain extent of course. As a result, I can probably be in a relationship with someone, but be living in a totally different version of it than the other person sees.

3. I don’t really know what I want. I don’t know if I want to be in a serious relationship right now or if I’d rather just date. Part of me feels like I should date around and see what’s out there, but I do miss the comfort and stability of a relationship when you’re with a really great guy. Everyone tells me I should date, and most of my brain thinks that’s probably best, since I’m definitely not ready to settle down. But it is nice to be so closely connected to someone…

So those are kind of three big problems with me in my pursuit of happiness. I most likely can’t solve them tonight, but I’m going to tell myself that I’ve taken the first step by acknowledging them. Good job, fragile ego.

Thanks, Brian. This totally cracked me up.

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about 9 months ago (gosh, has it really been that long??), when jerimy and i were starting to go through our split, i rented a studio here in SoCal (thanks, craigslist!) for a week to be closer to him to work out our problems.

fast forward to now: i just got an email from the woman who rented me the studio. here’s what she wrote:

I am renting the studio out again for the Summer and wanted to let you know- since you were so nice.

Couple of changes: we put in some nice velvet curtains (your suggestion:) and I am not sure if we had air conditioning when you were here, but we do now.

Let me know if you would like to stay here again- you are welcome back anytime

perhaps it’s just good business sense for her to keep in touch with me, although this is the first time i’ve heard from her since i rented the place. business-sense or not, it made me feel a little warm and gooey. she remembered my suggestion about there not being any window coverings!

i almost feel bad that i’ve got my own place down here and i wouldn’t need to do the studio rental thing again. … i hope. 0_o

hard to believe i’ve been keeping this blog since march 2001. that’s more that 6 years! i’ve fallen off quite a bit in keeping this blog up to date in recent years. Part of it is i just got too hermit-y with my soon-to-be ex-husband; part of it was finding other places to share my thoughts. even now, i’m not sure how much longer this site will be up. it’s overdue for a huuuge redesign, and i’m not sure how much time/energy/interest i have in trying to do that.

in other news, i still can’t believe i’m getting divorced. it hurts so much sometimes, even though i know it’s the best thing for both of us. it’s amazing how much people can hurt each other through carelessness and thoughtlessness, and how much the pain caused from that can fester and burn into your souls.

Came across an interesting article in the WaPo today:
Love’s Labor’s Lost - washingtonpost.com

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17FIELDBOX.html?em&ex=1167627600&en=00414ce499267c1d&ei=5087%0A

Jimmy Dean Pancakes and Sausage

From the package description:

Jimmy Dean full-flavored sausage inside a sweet pancake covering - it’s fun on a stick. Just pop these sweet treats in the microwave for less than 2 minutes and you’ll have a hearty breakfast or snack that’s not only filling but easy to eat and enjoy.

Comes in Chocolate Chip and Blueberry flavors too!

- Got my copy of Karaoke Revolution: American Idol. I AM Kelly Clarkson!

- New camera or new purse ?

- LA Food Show has chicken and waffles. Their vanilla-infused waffle batter is pretty freaking fantastic.

- My music collection has somehow lost almost all hip-hop and r&b goodness. What’s out there now that’s good? I can’t stand the Akon stuff that all the cool kids seem to like these days.

- Dick in a box comes to t-shirts. But this classic is still the one that I want.

My friend and I went to Bombay Garden in San Mateo for their buffet lunch today, and were met at the door by a large group of 12+ people. We were suprised that the place was sooo popular, but since we were really craving Indian food, I went in to go talk to the guy at the counter to see if people were putting their names down on a list, and to see how long the wait would be.”No list,” he said. “It will be about ten minutes for two.” Satisfied, I went back outside and waited patiently to be called over. We saw a bunch of open tables, so we figured they were just in the process of seating the large group.

Five minutes later, a couple walks up to me and is expressing surprise at the line outside the door. “Is there a list?” the girl asks me. I tell her no, and that I talked to the guy at the counter, and he said it would only be a ten minute wait. We’d been there for five minutes, I said, and it looks like they’re finally starting to seat parts of the large group.

She walks inside, talks to the same guy at the counter. This time, the guy looks at one of the empty tables, and points her over to one of them. The two of them walk over without a second thought.

I notice this, and I immediately go up to the host and ask why they were seated first when there were so many people ahead of them, including the rest of the large group, who had been waiting for close to 20 minutes. He points me to an empty table, but I ask him why the rest of the group still hasn’t been seated. He goes ahead and seats the group, then seats my friend and me.

There are several things wrong with this series of events:

1. That there was no list. It’s fairly standard for most places that once there are people waiting outside a restaurant, a list is kept of names and party member counts so that the host can organize seating and make sure people are seated based on availability and arrival times. The host did neither of these.

2. That the line-jumping happened. The host knew there others in line ahead of these two, including another party of two. Yet he pointed them to their seats as soon as they asked, even though he had told me to wait.

3. That line-jumping almost happened twice. Once I raised the issue with the host, he pointed me to my seat, even though there was still a group in front of me waiting, and there were tables available for them. It took me saying something before this group was seated.

4. That the girl didn’t say anything. The girl spoke to me maybe 30 seconds earlier, yet when the host seated the two of them first, she said nothing, even though she knew full well that there was another party of two in front of them. In her defense, she might have thought that I hadn’t talked to the host and that it was my mistake for idiotically standing in line without telling the host. But that doesn’t mean she couldn’t have done something to improve the situation.

Honestly, it’s not a huge deal that this happened — it’s a minor injustice, if you want to call it an injustice at all. I know people tend to act in their own best interests most of the time. But this would have been a miniscule thing to concede. It doesn’t require much effort to speak up to make sure that people are being treated fairly, even in something as trivial as a lunch line.