Author: Pearl L

UC Irvine’s got their charter back! Hooray!

A few folk from Chi Chapter (that’s ucla) went down to Irvine tonight to show our support. Solemn ceremony, but fun chatting once it was over. Went to TGI Friday’s in Orange afterwards for about 10 minutes (and that place is kind of far from Irvine…) and went home. Left around 1:30am… and got back right around now (2am).

Too tired to reflect on this right now. But I will say that it rained on the way home, and I have to say, I love the smell of rain. =)

having a shitty day.

Aphio is a really wonderful thing, but I’m just not into it anymore. I went to a rush event tonight and I felt brittle and on edge and trying too hard to be perky and excited about things. and I came off worse than before because I’m not truly into it, and because i’m tired and feeling tied to doing things for something I wish I cared about more. Aphio is a great organization: its ideals are first rate, the people in it are the kind of wonderful folk who somehow have all found each other in this great organization, and there’s a lot of very positive energy. But somehow, I haven’t managed to get myself as caught up in it as everyone else. Maybe if I were actually closer to more of the people in it. I feel like I have working relationships more than friendly relationships with everyone. For me, Aphio is a task, not a pleasure. Aphio is not my social circle; it’s an added obligation for me.

I’ve met so many great people in Aphio, no question. It’s my own fault that I haven’t developed many of those friendships into something more.

so this guy I’ve been talking about? I’m a bit uncertain as to how I actually feel about him. -scratches head- I’m getting a sinking feeling that I may I like the notion of getting away/out of LA more than I actually like this guy. 0_o Not that this guy isn’t cool — when he launches into how he figured out how to overclock his 75mhz Pentium back in the day before it was a big thing, I just get chills up and down my spine. (no. I’m serious. I was actually really turned on when he busted into techie speak. Gosh, I’m such a techie whore.) But yea.. the more I hang out with him, the more I have doubts. So I’m not sure exactly how much I like him.

this is hard to explain. I have a tendency to idealize lots of things, and my relationships are usually subject to a bit of that. Believe it or not though, I still have my head, and i’ve gotten better about keeping my head in the past year. This new thing is too new for me to behave otherwise, don’t you think? There’s nothing there yet, just wisps of fantasy. Yes, it’s fun to dream, but really. What kind of fool do you take me for? -rolls eyes-

anyway, lots have been on my mind lately. I think that psychic woman was right when she said this is a thinking year. =P At any rate, it’s been a thinking week, if you couldn’t tell from my blog. I’ve put a lot of personal stuff on this blog these past few days — most of it stuff you REALLY didn’t need to know — but I’ll trust that you know me well enough, or at least are generous enough in spirit to allow me to speak freely. Things with me tend to shift day by day, hour by hour, and there’s no point in pretending that some of the less appealing aspects aren’t me. So, there it is. Maybe I’m going through a purging right now, maybe it’s that time of the month or something, but I feel like leaving a lot of things behind. You might lose respect for me now, but at least I’m confident that I’ll change your mind later. Have faith.

But from the comments I got from my last blog entry, don’t worry. I’m not planning to up and throw my heart at some dude who just landed in heartbreak hotel. It sounded bad, didn’t it? Anyway, I’m probably just going to give the whole thing some time. Thanks everyone fer your comments and your concern. =)

my sister is sixteen years old.

I can’t believe that! I can actually remember being that age. those were clear memories, strongly formed and pressed into my identity, so fundamental in shaping who I am now. I can remember some of the ways I thought back then, remember those things and events I thought were significant in my life, and all the mini-dramas and hopeful dreams that whirled around in my young mind. I am finally realize that the life my sister is leading now will have similar impact on who she is as well. Well, duh, she’s been living life and remembering life all this time. She’s grown tremendously in the past few years, taking on a level of maturity that is fitting for her age, and a practical optimism that reflects kindly on her nature and how she treats her friends. I’m quite proud of my sister. I’m in disbelief that she is where I was five years ago, taking those little steps to adulthood. It’s my LITTLE SISTER. It is the girl who made my parents learn the difference between the Backstreet Boys and NSync three years ago, who whined about wanting to go to a slumber party 6 years ago, who stole my pink care bear Hugs away from me 12 years ago.

I wonder how my parents feel about my sister and me when they look at us. They too are growing, changing. They are people too. People watch their loved ones grow and change, marvel at what’s happened, wonder what went wrong, etc. Maybe I’ll be there in 30 years, thinking the same thing about my friends, my sister, my parents, my children.

One can only hope that things turn out best for your loved ones, through all the things that might fly into their way. Life is so uncertain when you think about it: indeed, so much comes through hard work, but a lot also comes through luck as well. Who knows where one will find oneself?

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began…

‘”It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door,” he used to say. “You step into the Road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to…”‘

Iistening to sappy love songs is a really dangerous thing.

I mocked the practice in high school, when sappy love songs were rampantly abundant. I rolled my eyes at an ex-boyfriend of mine who seemed to have an obsession with “love!” He listened to too many Sappy Love Songs, I decided. That was the problem! Kids in high school all had such glorious ideas of love, when quite honestly, it’s not so simple. This was my reasoning in high school. Love is grand, and maybe I was a *bit* of a romantic. But really. Listening to too many love songs gives one that foolish longing to have what that love song is about. There are lots of songs that put the other person on a pedestal too, and to be quite honest, that pedestal business always bothered me. Pedestals just mean there’s further to fall.

So why am I listening to Alison Krauss’s “When You Say Nothing at All” right now? I’m at home, in front of my computer, plinking away at the keys, and Alison Krauss is saying how amazing it is that you can speak right to her heart. She has a wonderful voice, light and airy enough to put a bit of a feather-ephemerity to the song, yet with enough timber to lend it strength. The lyrics are wonderful too! The romantic in me is hooked.

And then practical me comes chiding. “Losing yourself in music again. -cluckcluckcluck-” And what’s wrong with it every once in a while? It would be nice, yes?

So yes.. I’m thinking about him…

His ex called and demanded an all or nothing relationship.. and in the end he said nothing. But she said all the right things to tear him apart.

What does a person in my position do in a case like this? Yes, I do want to be the friend and help him through. At the same time, I don’t want to be the rebound. That’s a terrible place to be in! Look how I reduced my rebound boy in the entry before this one. Quite honestly, he was a really great guy with a lot of terrific qualities. He could be a really wonderful boyfriend to someone (which in fact, he is.. and I’m really happy about that, actually), but he just wasn’t right for me. It’s a crying shame really. Emotions and relationships, reality and desires don’t always mesh to form the happiest union.

… and I’m afraid that this guy and I might find the wrong kind of union. I’m not even sure if I really want a relationship, and how much I would really want to give/get out of it. Plus, do we really click? I think with time, I can grow more comfortable with him, but is the fact that I need to grow more comfortable with him really a good sign?

But.. it’s really nice being with him. I love the way he gazes at me, the way he touches my face with such tenderness, running his fingers along the places where my skin meets the hairline. He has a curious smile, and pretty blue eyes with large pupils. He’s got a little boy in him, the kind who runs up to you, tugs your pant leg, and demands a kiss.

Anyway. I don’t know if I should try to be his friend, if I should just stay away, or what. i’m worried that a friendship will go the wrong way and lead into something else. But I don’t want to blow him off and let him down as a friend.

Tricky decisions… Your comments are welcomed.

I love my family. let me say that first.

I love my friends. let me say that second.

But dammit, maybe I don’t love myself enough. I’m clearly not showing enough love to myself to get out and pursue what I really want to pursue. But what is it I really want to pursue? Time and time again, it goes back to that art of the turn of a phrase. Writing.

You probably wouldn’t guess it from the stuff I have in this blog. I know, most of this blog is mostly ranting and whining and run on sentences, like this one, but I have a bit of a literary bent to me. I was an ASPIRING JOURNALIST back in high school, and more and more do I hark back to those days of wanting to do journalism. I was so inspired for a while, caught up in the joy of connecting with people and sharing the stories of people’s lives with the rest of the world. I saw a magic in online journalism, using sight and sound and words to tell a story in that much more depth and character. Journalism is a very human pursuit, one tied closely to the seemingly mundane and cheeky aspects of this thing we called life. It’s the human aspect that makes journalism worth doing, the stories we tell each other that tie us together and give meaning to our lives. I see it as a very noble and worthwhile thing to do.

If you couldn’t tell, I have a slightly idealized vision of journalism is. But yes, I am aware that it is very difficult. Writing in itself is a challenging task: finding the right words to convey the exact emotion, the right tone for the story, shedding just the proper light and understanding a thing the way it is meant to be understood.. well, it’s easy to cobble together a sentence or two, tricky to put together a meaningful yet compact paragraph, and a triumph to string together a truly high quality article. Journalism is very hard. It is very stressful, there are lots of deadlines, lots of really shitty stories to be covered, lots of terrible people to deal with — both in and outside of the office — and a fairly thankless job. It also doesn’t pay very well, depending on where you’re working. People are in journalism because they love it, not for the money. And, of course, there are the people who find that they no longer love journalism and feel stuck doing something they don’t like that doesn’t pay well anyway. It’s all the more tragic because it’s a field that most people need to pay their dues to succeed. Interning at crappy papers in remote location. Being an errands grunt for some faceless editor. Some people go along thinking this is for them, and at a certain point, after all the hard work, feel like they come up empty handed.

More and more, I’m realizing that this is a chance I’d be willing to take. I’ve already gone through my period where i’ve lost my love for the art, and still (maybe like a bad boyfriend) I keep coming back. One thing that’s stopping me (and I’m realizing this is a stupid excuse) is that i’ve been out of the loop for a couple of years and I feel like it’s too late to get back in the saddle. Well, screw it! I’m going to get back in and see what I can do. There’s no point in moping about what you can’t do.. you can only just go out and do it. I complain and whine far too much, and really, I just need to shut up.

So, if you folk know of any place that needs writers, feel free to give me a holler. I am looking for work experience, and this time around, there ain’t no backing down.