Author: Pearl L

ok, a few thoughts to jot down before going to sleep.

– i really want a palm pre! i spent most of the weekend researching the pre, the iphone 3gs and the mytouch. i’m still on the fence, but the pre has definitely got a hold on me for the moment.

– i want a new rice cooker! one that can make porridge! mm.. rice porridge…

– i want an in-unit washer/dryer. laundry is the worst thing ever. >_<

– i’m glad that i have unfulfilled wants rather than unfufilled needs. i’m very grateful for the things i do have. i’m trying to do a ‘live out of my pantry’ type thing for the moment, and i’m realizing how lucky i am that i can still feed myself in times like these.

Lately, I’ve been posting a lot more on Twitter than Vox or any of my usual blogs. There’s good and bad to this. On one hand, it’s a lot easier to come up with ~140 characters of updates than it is to commit to a long post. On the other, there’s really only so much you can cram into a 140 character-count post, and learning how to speak in clipped English isn’t doing wonders for my writing skillz.

So. It’s about 3am, and for whatever reason, instead of sleeping off my lingering cold, I’m writing. Hooray.

I talked to Jerimy for a total of about 5 minutes today, in short bursts throughout the day as he had a moment or I had a moment. We talked about insurance, and how I would have to find my own insurance soon. It was a pretty calm back and forth – I can’t really call it a conversation – and there was no blowing up, no tears.

There was no drama because we’re way past that. We’re not even close enough to where I could possibly express those kinds of feelings to him anymore. My relationship with him feels like a distant, dull memory, and yet he still manages to make me feel like crap in these brief interactions. I constantly feel like I’m not getting what I want out of relationship, although historically, this is par for the course and I should be used to this by now. I feel like I don’t know how to get what I want. And worst of all, I feel like even if I did, he would purposely try to deny me those things, even though we’re (theoretically) nearing the end of this relationship and it’s not all that much to ask for.

So it’s more of the same. Which begs the question: How did I spend so much of my life with someone who’s made me this unhappy?

Corollary question: why do I continue to gravitate toward people who make me unhappy?

It seems like such a simple desire for a person to want to be happy – it’s even written into the Declaration of Independence. Why does it end up being so complicated?

Possible answers:

1. I have a tendency to make a lot of concessions to other parties because it makes me happy to make other people happy. This sometimes leads to me mistaking “I can put up with this because they’re happy” with “This is what I want to make me happy.” This is bad.

2. I don’t communicate my needs effectively to other people. I don’t tell people, “this isn’t really okay with me” and I kind of let people do their thing, to a certain extent of course. As a result, I can probably be in a relationship with someone, but be living in a totally different version of it than the other person sees.

3. I don’t really know what I want. I don’t know if I want to be in a serious relationship right now or if I’d rather just date. Part of me feels like I should date around and see what’s out there, but I do miss the comfort and stability of a relationship when you’re with a really great guy. Everyone tells me I should date, and most of my brain thinks that’s probably best, since I’m definitely not ready to settle down. But it is nice to be so closely connected to someone…

So those are kind of three big problems with me in my pursuit of happiness. I most likely can’t solve them tonight, but I’m going to tell myself that I’ve taken the first step by acknowledging them. Good job, fragile ego.

Super coughy today.

I think I already had a bit of an itchy throat before going to vegas, but all those smoky lounges and recycled air did me no darned good.

Just finished doing a hand wash load of the shirt and bra I wore Saturday night. Hooray for washing out clubbing stink.

I’m thinking again about this writing-type-thing that I haven’t been doing for a long time. I’ve been writing in paper journals quite a bit recently, but nothing that I’ve published on the web. I got a lot quieter about publishing details from my personal life after I started seeing Jerimy. Part of it was because I was spending less time blogging and more time with him. But in some ways, it was a lot of self-censorship, because the things I would have talked about would have revealed some imperfection in my relationship, which I was already feeling shaky about. Looking back, perhaps some additional examination might have been a good idea.

It’s been nearly a year since I had The Talk with Jerimy. It’s been about 7 months since I’ve been down in Los Angeles. It’s been about 5 months since it was decided that it was definitely over. I’ve got about 4 months to go before my divorce becomes official.

(Is there faith in numbers?)

What a strange, strange year. What a strange, strange relationship. 2007 has been really odd to me so far, filled with a lot of surprising discoveries about myself, as well as about the people around me. I’m finally confronting a lot of things I didn’t like about my previous relationships (not just the one with Jerimy), and learning that dealing with something doesn’t mean you’re happy. I’m finding out that I can actually pass for a reasonably attractive person (not like HOT or whatever, but you know, ‘all right’), and that I probably could land a decently attractive fellow if I tried a little bit.

(Incidentally, a lot of the issues that the ex had a problem with in terms of my looks have kind of been resolved in the past few months. I have to say, I’m looking way better than I did a year ago. It’s amazing what a haircut, new skincare regimen, and some cute clothes can do for you. Not to mention practicing the art of tarting myself up. =p)

As is probably obvious, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to numb out the pain, trying to distract myself and put some distance between who I was now and then. Stepping back makes it easier to see things for what they were, not to mention make me feel better when realize how dumb I was, with the emphasis on ‘was’ rather than ‘am’. Small consolation, but I’ll take my breaks where I can get them.

I sometimes feel like I lost a ton of time (not to mention a part of myself) by being with Jerimy for so long. I also feel like I leave it as a marked woman, someone tagged with the title “divorcee” rather than some happy-go-lucky single gal. I wonder how much that will affect my chances for happiness in the end, if I can meet someone who is willing to get past that black mark and be interested in something more long-term than some fly-by-night hookup. Then again, I’m quite sure I’m not ready for anything serious now anyway… 0_o

Wow, I’m definitely rambling now. Time to help the cough and go to sleep.

Thanks, Brian. This totally cracked me up.

drivtest.gif (GIF Image, 400×2400 pixels)

about 9 months ago (gosh, has it really been that long??), when jerimy and i were starting to go through our split, i rented a studio here in SoCal (thanks, craigslist!) for a week to be closer to him to work out our problems.

fast forward to now: i just got an email from the woman who rented me the studio. here’s what she wrote:

I am renting the studio out again for the Summer and wanted to let you know- since you were so nice.

Couple of changes: we put in some nice velvet curtains (your suggestion:) and I am not sure if we had air conditioning when you were here, but we do now.

Let me know if you would like to stay here again- you are welcome back anytime

perhaps it’s just good business sense for her to keep in touch with me, although this is the first time i’ve heard from her since i rented the place. business-sense or not, it made me feel a little warm and gooey. she remembered my suggestion about there not being any window coverings!

i almost feel bad that i’ve got my own place down here and i wouldn’t need to do the studio rental thing again. :) … i hope. 0_o

hard to believe i’ve been keeping this blog since march 2001. that’s more that 6 years! i’ve fallen off quite a bit in keeping this blog up to date in recent years. Part of it is i just got too hermit-y with my soon-to-be ex-husband; part of it was finding other places to share my thoughts. even now, i’m not sure how much longer this site will be up. it’s overdue for a huuuge redesign, and i’m not sure how much time/energy/interest i have in trying to do that.

in other news, i still can’t believe i’m getting divorced. it hurts so much sometimes, even though i know it’s the best thing for both of us. it’s amazing how much people can hurt each other through carelessness and thoughtlessness, and how much the pain caused from that can fester and burn into your souls.

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17FIELDBOX.html?em&ex=1167627600&en=00414ce499267c1d&ei=5087%0A

Jimmy Dean Pancakes and Sausage

From the package description:

Jimmy Dean full-flavored sausage inside a sweet pancake covering – it’s fun on a stick. Just pop these sweet treats in the microwave for less than 2 minutes and you’ll have a hearty breakfast or snack that’s not only filling but easy to eat and enjoy.

Comes in Chocolate Chip and Blueberry flavors too!

– Got my copy of Karaoke Revolution: American Idol. I AM Kelly Clarkson!

– New camera or new purse ?

– LA Food Show has chicken and waffles. Their vanilla-infused waffle batter is pretty freaking fantastic.

– My music collection has somehow lost almost all hip-hop and r&b goodness. What’s out there now that’s good? I can’t stand the Akon stuff that all the cool kids seem to like these days.

– Dick in a box comes to t-shirts. But this classic is still the one that I want.