“if you’re going to act like a child, expect to be treated like a child.”
that’s how I’ve been feeling this weekend. what was wonderful was that I got to spend time with paul and wayne from aphio. both berkeley alumni, they’re at ucla now, paul because he’s back home in Los Angeles after graduating last year, and wayne because he’s down here for dental school. they’re both terrific fellas, and hanging out with them this weekend while in vegas (just for one night!) with some people made me feel like I was three years old and picking on my two older cousins. I have way too much fun running around acting like a small child.
now I wasn’t this bad when I was *actually* a small child. from all reports, I was a reasonably good kid. I got myself in trouble from time to time (I guess I was always .. mischievous? -scratches head-), but nothing too serious. as I got to high school, I became uber-ambitious, striving to head up every struggling organization and turn it around, thinking that in some small way, I could make a difference. I felt responsible to myself, to my parents, to the world to get out and do something.
nowadays, I’ve taken the other extreme. I take everything a lot less seriously — no longer is it, “through the internet, I can change the world! (refer to sophomore year philosophy); it’s more “hey, I can find some really cool deals on cds online! i’m *much* less responsible than I used to be: I was flaky in the past, but I have moments now when I look at myself and think, “man, I’m out of control!”
a lot of it stems from a bit of a lack in direction. since the middle of sophomore year, I’ve been looking for a new focus in my life, something new that inspires me to push forward, and I’ve been hard-pressed to find something that I can seriously take to heart and run with. i don’t feel any particular obligation to any goals, and i find that I’ve made few friends I truly trust, respect, and feel “safe” around. i feel like.. at the moment, i’m fairly unhappy with myself and the person I am. There’s a lot about myself i’m looking to change…
I think I’m still very afraid of failing. I feel like through all the things in the past, ridiculous things have gotten in my way, things that defy logic and sensibilities, and things that can’t be explained unless you’re going through them yourself. every dream i’ve had, every ambition i’ve pursued has simply had roadblocks of the most absurd kind thrown in its way. and it’s something I don’t understand. I was very athletic in high school, and I wanted to do all sorts of sports, but I wasn’t able to because my parents were worried about whether they could support me financially through some of the sports (we were financially in not so good straits for quite a while), they didn’t see the point in a girl needing to run so much (cross country, track), they didn’t like the people on the team (badminton had too many asians!). And when my family could finally afford to support me through a sport, they chose tennis for me.. even though by then I’d said I had no time to learn a new sport. and so forth. my parents were going through very rough times in their lives, and it was hard for our family to make it through… yet even knowing all of this and knowing things are a million times better now, I still doubt my parents more than I should. their old crazy logic keeps me from the unconditional trust and faith I want to have in them.
oh dear. is this a victim mentality? wtf.
so what if I had to deal with a roommate/friend on this side of crazy during the year I dealt with them? so what if I had to deal with a super-political/backstabbing work environment in college? doesn’t everyone have their challenges? why does it feel like I ran into mine and ended up just getting knocked off course? once again, what *am* I whining about??
the truth is, I know better now. I know that I took on my job at the daily bruin when I was far too young, too naive, as were the people who were leading the department with me. I know now how to be a better leader, I know better how to use my ability to motivate and inspire people, I know better now how to delegate tasks, how to assume authority and keep true to the goals I set and not let naysayers get in the way. i’m not so naive anymore. although I feel naive and stupid every day I breathe air, i know i’m still learning…
I think about the things that happened to me in the past. I go back and reevaluate my actions, wonder what I could have done better. I look back and think of what I could have done better had I known what I know now. I get tired of doubting myself. I get tired of feeling weak and ineffective. I get tired of feeling not respected for the abilities I have, being underestimated for what I can achieve. despite whatever challenges, I know better now, I can waver and worry and whine but I don’t stay that way. more and more, I get tired of looking at the past — it’s the same ugly picture, and it won’t change. There’s nothing I can do but look forward. there’s a resignation to this truth I have — what’s weighed me down isn’t completely free from me yet, but with each purging, I look forward with brighter eyes than each time before. I don’t know what to do about my family, but it doesn’t really matter now. it’s my life to live, after all, and my parents can only offer so much support now. I don’t know what to do about my friends here at UCLA, but each day, the past grows more and more distant, and I find the cowering recesses of my heart slowly open up again. I don’t know what I will do yet about my future, but each day, little by little, I allow myself once again to dream…
my ex-boyfriend jeff once said that I inspired him to believe that people can grow and change, and that we are dynamic. I can grow and change. I am dynamic. being a person is so much more complicated, challenging, daunting, and taxing than I had ever imagined. no, I’m not a child anymore, and maybe it is time for me to stop my silliness and get with the program. One day, despite my fears of this daunting task of personhood, i will learn, and I will dream on, dream out loud, and do it with the wisdom, good sense, and toleration I lacked when I was younger. and because of my experiences, the next time out, I will succeed.