Lately, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been posting a lot more on Twitter than Vox or any of my usual blogs. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s good and bad to this. On one hand, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a lot easier to come up with ~140 characters of updates than it is to commit to a long post. On the other, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s really only so much you can cram into a 140 character-count post, and learning how to speak in clipped English isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t doing wonders for my writing skillz.<\/p>\n
So. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s about 3am, and for whatever reason, instead of sleeping off my lingering cold, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m writing. Hooray.<\/p>\n
I talked to Jerimy for a total of about 5 minutes today, in short bursts throughout the day as he had a moment or I had a moment. We talked about insurance, and how I would have to find my own insurance soon. It was a pretty calm back and forth \u00e2\u20ac\u201c I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really call it a conversation \u00e2\u20ac\u201c and there was no blowing up, no tears.<\/p>\n
There was no drama because we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re way past that. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not even close enough to where I could possibly express those kinds of feelings to him anymore. My relationship with him feels like a distant, dull memory, and yet he still manages to make me feel like crap in these brief interactions. I constantly feel like I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not getting what I want out of relationship, although historically, this is par for the course and I should be used to this by now. I feel like I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how to get what I want. And worst of all, I feel like even if I did, he would purposely try to deny me those things, even though we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re (theoretically) nearing the end of this relationship and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not all that much to ask for.<\/p>\n
So it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s more of the same. Which begs the question: How did I spend so much of my life with someone who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s made me this unhappy?<\/p>\n
Corollary question: why do I continue to gravitate toward people who make me unhappy?<\/p>\n
It seems like such a simple desire for a person to want to be happy \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s even written into the Declaration of Independence. Why does it end up being so complicated?<\/p>\n
Possible answers:<\/p>\n
1. I have a tendency to make a lot of concessions to other parties because it makes me happy to make other people happy. This sometimes leads to me mistaking \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can put up with this because they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re happy\u00e2\u20ac\u009d with \u00e2\u20ac\u0153This is what I want to make me happy.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d This is bad.<\/p>\n
2. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t communicate my needs effectively to other people. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell people, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153this isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really okay with me\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and I kind of let people do their thing, to a certain extent of course. As a result, I can probably be in a relationship with someone, but be living in a totally different version of it than the other person sees.<\/p>\n
3. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really know what I want. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know if I want to be in a serious relationship right now or if I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d rather just date. Part of me feels like I should date around and see what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s out there, but I do miss the comfort and stability of a relationship when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re with a really great guy. Everyone tells me I should date, and most of my brain thinks that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s probably best, since I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m definitely not ready to settle down. But it is nice to be so closely connected to someone\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n
So those are kind of three big problems with me in my pursuit of happiness. I most likely can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t solve them tonight, but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to tell myself that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve taken the first step by acknowledging them. Good job, fragile ego.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Lately, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been posting a lot more on Twitter than Vox or any of my usual blogs. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s good and bad to this. On one hand, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a lot easier to come up with ~140 characters of updates than it is to commit to a long post. On the other, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s really only so much … <\/p>\n